Dear von Hottie,
You've heard of bridezillas, you've heard of runaway brides, but have
you ever encountered a bride that wanted to run far and fast from her
momzilla? My mom says she likes my fiance but has been fighting my
wedding every step of the way since engagement. She sarcastically
expresses doubt about every decision my fiance and I manage to make,
and at T minus 5.5 months we don't have time to spare. She has managed
to suck the joy from almost every moment to the point that I no longer
want to tell her about any of it. The worst part is this is so not how
I want it to go down. I would love to have her involved in every last
detail but not if she's going to drive me to elope! Whatever am I to
do?! HELP, von Hottie, HELP!
Love,
Damsel-in-distress
********
Dear Damsel,
One of the first rules of war is to know your enemy. Let's assess from your momzilla's point of view.
1) It sounds like this is your mother's first wedding, am I right? In that case, while you may be embarking on a joyous, sunshine-filled new life with your amazingly hot and wonderful fiance, your mother may feel like she is losing her baby girl. Her nitpicking could be the symptoms of an overwhelming anxiety - where will she fit into in your new life? How will your relationship change? What kind of influence will she have in your life now?
2) What's going on in her life? With you married, who does she have as a support system? A husband, a boyfriend, neither? She may be feeling very lonely. In most cases, negativity is rarely about you, and all about them.
Now that we've got some perspective on the momzilla, let's see how we can manage her:
1) You must stand up to her. Tell her that her negativity is overbearing and overwhelming. Tell her this is not how you would like to share with her the experience of your wedding. Remind her that this is your wedding. Talk to her about her feelings. Reassure her that she will still be in your life during and after the wedding.
That said, you can't stop someone's behavior without giving them an alternate behavior, so:
1) Pick something about the wedding you absolutely don't care about and that she would enjoy. If you showed up to your wedding and the reception area were decorated with clown balloons and that wouldn't phase you, put her in charge of decor. Your mother is feeling a loss of control, so give her a sense of ownership. Also, this will distract her and leave you free to do whatever you like with the rest of the joyous occasion.
2) Teach her a few key phrases with which she is required to respond to your wedding decisions or she will be excluded from the conversation. For example:
You: "Mom, we picked the invitations. They're blue!"
Momzilla: "What a wonderful choice, daughter! You have excellent taste!"
or
You: "Mom, we're going to serve chocolate truffles during the cocktail hour!"
Momzilla: "How delicious. I'm sure I will be too swept up in the joy of the day to even notice what I'm eating!"
I know it sounds silly, but if the two of you can laugh about your differences, then half the battle is already won.
4) Ask her for her opinion or advice before you make a decision. It doesn't matter what you pick, or if you take her advice, but ask for it. It will make her feel special and included, and will proactively preempt a negative reaction to a decision you've already made.
5) Remember, she can't take anything that you don't give. If she starts to nag, tune her out. Pet your pretty invitations, ruffle the hair of your adorable husband-to-be, gaze at the dazzling addition to your left hand. Do whatever centers you and calms you down so you can react to the situation with a clear head and kind heart.
6) Seek out other brides for help. I have a feeling you are not the first bride to have an overbearing momzilla. Also, theknot.com has some advice on dealing with difficult mothers - check out this article and this article for more advice on dealing with mothers. I actually think my advice is better and more specific. But they're the professionals so it can't hurt to check them out.
Best of luck and congratulations!
Love,
von Hottie
Friday, December 15, 2006
love amongst the lockers or what's my combination for love
Dear von Hottie,
I am still in love with my high school sweetheart, whose heart I broke about 5 years ago. We're friends now, and he's still as wonderful as ever. I'm just not sure if we're right for each other. How will I know? What should I do?
- No Longer a Teenager, Still in Love
****************
Dear Teenager,
Ah, first love. It's a bitch.
First, where is your sweetheart in his life now? Does he have a serious girlfriend? How good of friends are you? How often do you see each other?
As for knowing if you're right for each other, no one can tell you that but yourself. What you should ask yourself is why you think you and he are not right for each other? What are you looking for in a partner, what do qualities do you need in a partner for a healthy and vibrant relationship? Answer these questions for yourself and then you can ask if he is right for you. Next, how are the two of you together? Do you bring out the best qualities in each other, do you work together well, do you make each other a better person? Or do you want to just hold hands and sit by your locker like in the good old days, before life was complicated and people became complex?
I would suggest remaining friends with this boy. Be an open, honest, and true friend. See where it leads. If it's going well, eventually you may want to tell him how you feel. Most importantly though, don't let the hazy wonderfulness of the past cloud you from seeing what is good and wonderful now. This may be the boy for you, but you should let a few others have a chance too. Sometimes love is like comparison shopping - how can you tell if he is the one if you haven't checked out some other options?
Love,
von Hottie
I am still in love with my high school sweetheart, whose heart I broke about 5 years ago. We're friends now, and he's still as wonderful as ever. I'm just not sure if we're right for each other. How will I know? What should I do?
- No Longer a Teenager, Still in Love
****************
Dear Teenager,
Ah, first love. It's a bitch.
First, where is your sweetheart in his life now? Does he have a serious girlfriend? How good of friends are you? How often do you see each other?
As for knowing if you're right for each other, no one can tell you that but yourself. What you should ask yourself is why you think you and he are not right for each other? What are you looking for in a partner, what do qualities do you need in a partner for a healthy and vibrant relationship? Answer these questions for yourself and then you can ask if he is right for you. Next, how are the two of you together? Do you bring out the best qualities in each other, do you work together well, do you make each other a better person? Or do you want to just hold hands and sit by your locker like in the good old days, before life was complicated and people became complex?
I would suggest remaining friends with this boy. Be an open, honest, and true friend. See where it leads. If it's going well, eventually you may want to tell him how you feel. Most importantly though, don't let the hazy wonderfulness of the past cloud you from seeing what is good and wonderful now. This may be the boy for you, but you should let a few others have a chance too. Sometimes love is like comparison shopping - how can you tell if he is the one if you haven't checked out some other options?
Love,
von Hottie
just say no
Dear von Oracle,
I have a serious problem. I have an ex boyfriend who I can't seem to stay away from. It's like he's crack and I'm addicted! To make it worse lately we've been conversing via telephone a lot and I think I want to get back together with him or at least make him a friend with benefits.
What should I do? Do I need rehab? Help me von Hottie!!!!
--Addicted to crack
*******
Dear Addicted,
Your references to crack make me think that perhaps this was not the healthiest relationship you could have. How long has it been since you and he were together? Perhaps you need to examine the reasons why you feel so compelled to "jump off the wagon," as it were. Is it loneliness, the comfort of and security of sticking with what you know? Are there certain times in your life (i.e. during stress or uncertainty) when you feel more compelled to be with this person? Is the high your get from this relationship really love or is it familiarity, security, and comfort? Or are you just hard up?
One of the hardest things to do is to leave behind someone you love. But sometimes we need to leave certain people behind in order to achieve the healthiest, most prolific and fulfilled lives for ourselves. My dear Addicted, you are a beautiful, wonderful, radiant being. You deserve only the best in life. The path you walk now may be a lonely one, but there are friends to help you on your way. Keep your chin up, your eye on the horizon, your heart pure, and many blessings will come to you.
Love,
von Hottie
p.s. I often find that an organic, vegetarian meal before blogging helps to bring out the Buddha within.
I have a serious problem. I have an ex boyfriend who I can't seem to stay away from. It's like he's crack and I'm addicted! To make it worse lately we've been conversing via telephone a lot and I think I want to get back together with him or at least make him a friend with benefits.
What should I do? Do I need rehab? Help me von Hottie!!!!
--Addicted to crack
*******
Dear Addicted,
Your references to crack make me think that perhaps this was not the healthiest relationship you could have. How long has it been since you and he were together? Perhaps you need to examine the reasons why you feel so compelled to "jump off the wagon," as it were. Is it loneliness, the comfort of and security of sticking with what you know? Are there certain times in your life (i.e. during stress or uncertainty) when you feel more compelled to be with this person? Is the high your get from this relationship really love or is it familiarity, security, and comfort? Or are you just hard up?
One of the hardest things to do is to leave behind someone you love. But sometimes we need to leave certain people behind in order to achieve the healthiest, most prolific and fulfilled lives for ourselves. My dear Addicted, you are a beautiful, wonderful, radiant being. You deserve only the best in life. The path you walk now may be a lonely one, but there are friends to help you on your way. Keep your chin up, your eye on the horizon, your heart pure, and many blessings will come to you.
Love,
von Hottie
p.s. I often find that an organic, vegetarian meal before blogging helps to bring out the Buddha within.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
living la vida loca
Dear von Hottie,
My younger sister lives in a big city. She is CRAZY. To which sanitarium should I send her?
- Big Brother
************
Dear Big Brother,
Maybe your little sister is just living it up amongst the bright lights. You should love her and be glad that someone else is living all the colors of the world for you.
P.S. I don't think they have sanitariums anymore. Perhaps you should buy her a weekend at Canyon Ranch instead.
Love,
von Hottie
My younger sister lives in a big city. She is CRAZY. To which sanitarium should I send her?
- Big Brother
************
Dear Big Brother,
Maybe your little sister is just living it up amongst the bright lights. You should love her and be glad that someone else is living all the colors of the world for you.
P.S. I don't think they have sanitariums anymore. Perhaps you should buy her a weekend at Canyon Ranch instead.
Love,
von Hottie
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
shopping around
Dear von Hottie,
Everyone says that the grocery store is a great way to meet guys, and after my most recent trip their I realized that it is a cornucopia of attractive and what appear to be single men. How does one approach someone in the grocery store and start shopping for two??? Do I approach them in the produce section? Bond over Keebler Elves cookies???? Reach for the same six pack of coca-a-cola???? Help Von Hottie!
-The Lost Shopper
***********************************
Dear Shopper,
The first step is always the hardest. You just need to approach these attractive men. It doesn't matter which aisle, or what you say. Just start making conversation. It might be easier for you if you stick to a section you feel most comfortable with, i.e. cheese. You can always start off a conversation by remarking "Oh, that one is so good" or "I tried that at a cocktail party last week. I wouldn't go for that." It doesn't matter. Just say something to get a conversation started. If they're not responding after one or two remarks, move onto the next aisle. I'd stay away from places like the cookie aisle, as those tend to be places riddled by guilt and no one wants to be caught picking out their extra triple fudge and cream delights, unless you are magically able to build a rapport with the object of your affection around your common pudge. The produce aisle might be a good place to start. You can ask something like "Is this Kale or Collard Greens?" Pretend you're trying some delicious new recipe. Unless you don't actually cook. Then play the damsel in distress card who needs a handsome vegetable connoisseur to rescue him from culinary disaster. Truly, it doesn't matter, just try something.
It will be hard the first few times, and 90% of the time, you'll strike out, but at least you'll get your confidence up and maybe learn a few things about leafy greens and root vegetables. If you get nervous, just remember that you have all five feet, two inches of von Hottie cheering you on. I already have a crush on you, and they will too.
Love,
von Hottie
Everyone says that the grocery store is a great way to meet guys, and after my most recent trip their I realized that it is a cornucopia of attractive and what appear to be single men. How does one approach someone in the grocery store and start shopping for two??? Do I approach them in the produce section? Bond over Keebler Elves cookies???? Reach for the same six pack of coca-a-cola???? Help Von Hottie!
-The Lost Shopper
***********************************
Dear Shopper,
The first step is always the hardest. You just need to approach these attractive men. It doesn't matter which aisle, or what you say. Just start making conversation. It might be easier for you if you stick to a section you feel most comfortable with, i.e. cheese. You can always start off a conversation by remarking "Oh, that one is so good" or "I tried that at a cocktail party last week. I wouldn't go for that." It doesn't matter. Just say something to get a conversation started. If they're not responding after one or two remarks, move onto the next aisle. I'd stay away from places like the cookie aisle, as those tend to be places riddled by guilt and no one wants to be caught picking out their extra triple fudge and cream delights, unless you are magically able to build a rapport with the object of your affection around your common pudge. The produce aisle might be a good place to start. You can ask something like "Is this Kale or Collard Greens?" Pretend you're trying some delicious new recipe. Unless you don't actually cook. Then play the damsel in distress card who needs a handsome vegetable connoisseur to rescue him from culinary disaster. Truly, it doesn't matter, just try something.
It will be hard the first few times, and 90% of the time, you'll strike out, but at least you'll get your confidence up and maybe learn a few things about leafy greens and root vegetables. If you get nervous, just remember that you have all five feet, two inches of von Hottie cheering you on. I already have a crush on you, and they will too.
Love,
von Hottie
Pour some $ugar on me
Dear von Hottie:
I'm torn. I'm close to finally wrapping up grad school and with it, enormous debt. I have a potential source of funding that could ease my financial situation - namely, a sugar daddy candidate. Sugar daddy is about 18 years my senior, not terribly unattractive, and very interested in a relationship with me. Though I know entering a relationship purely for financial freedom is wrong, I can't shake the idea out of my head! What should I do?
Sincerely,
$weet Tooth
******************************
Dear $weet Tooth,
First of all, congratulations on nearly completing your higher education!
I'm a little confused on the details of your situation. Has Sugar Daddy explicitly offered you money in exchange for a physical relationship? Or are you the irrestistible studmuffin acquaintance of an affluent older man whom you know would "take care of you" financially should you engage in a relationship with him?
In the best case scenario, post-graduate school, you can use your advanced degree to acquire employment which would support the debt you acquired in order to acheive such gainful employment. However, sometimes a Hottie's gotta do what a Hottie's gotta do, especially in today's economic climate and job market.
It's not wrong to engage in a relationship with an affluent partner, but it is wrong to misrepresent yourself, your body, your emotions and your intentions to said affluent partner for material gain. Also, money often represents power in a relationship. I wouldn't want you to get in over your head, or become overly dependent on this alternate income stream. Just because someone gives you money does not mean they own you. After all, you'll most likely leave the town in which you attend school and would have to leave your Sugar Daddy lifestyle behind in order to utilize your degree.
If however, both parties understand the arrangement and are respectful of each other's hearts and minds, go ahead and indulge your sweet tooth. To stay on the safe side of the law (male prostitution is illegal unless you move to Nevada to join Heidi Fleiss's Stud Farm), I would encourage accepting material goods over currency. You can always sell your expensive junk on eBay to obtain the cold cash you need.
Happy job hunting!
Love,
von Hottie
I'm torn. I'm close to finally wrapping up grad school and with it, enormous debt. I have a potential source of funding that could ease my financial situation - namely, a sugar daddy candidate. Sugar daddy is about 18 years my senior, not terribly unattractive, and very interested in a relationship with me. Though I know entering a relationship purely for financial freedom is wrong, I can't shake the idea out of my head! What should I do?
Sincerely,
$weet Tooth
******************************
Dear $weet Tooth,
First of all, congratulations on nearly completing your higher education!
I'm a little confused on the details of your situation. Has Sugar Daddy explicitly offered you money in exchange for a physical relationship? Or are you the irrestistible studmuffin acquaintance of an affluent older man whom you know would "take care of you" financially should you engage in a relationship with him?
In the best case scenario, post-graduate school, you can use your advanced degree to acquire employment which would support the debt you acquired in order to acheive such gainful employment. However, sometimes a Hottie's gotta do what a Hottie's gotta do, especially in today's economic climate and job market.
It's not wrong to engage in a relationship with an affluent partner, but it is wrong to misrepresent yourself, your body, your emotions and your intentions to said affluent partner for material gain. Also, money often represents power in a relationship. I wouldn't want you to get in over your head, or become overly dependent on this alternate income stream. Just because someone gives you money does not mean they own you. After all, you'll most likely leave the town in which you attend school and would have to leave your Sugar Daddy lifestyle behind in order to utilize your degree.
If however, both parties understand the arrangement and are respectful of each other's hearts and minds, go ahead and indulge your sweet tooth. To stay on the safe side of the law (male prostitution is illegal unless you move to Nevada to join Heidi Fleiss's Stud Farm), I would encourage accepting material goods over currency. You can always sell your expensive junk on eBay to obtain the cold cash you need.
Happy job hunting!
Love,
von Hottie
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
von Hottie Launch Party!
The von Hottie 2007 pin up calendar is coming!
Join von Hottie for cocktails, calendars, and the launch of the biggest emerging media conglomerate ever!Be among the first to own a limited edition von Hottie 2007 Pin Up Calendar, personally autographed by von Hottie herself!
It's everything you ever wanted, but never knew existed, and everything you need to finish your holiday shopping!
Happy Hour until 8pm! More fun and surprises to come!
If you can't make it, see von Hottie later in the evening at BUA on 8th Street & Ave. A. If you live in New York, but can't make it to the party, but want to purchase a calendar, email vonHottie@gmail.com and we'll work it out.
von Hottie Launch Party
December 7th, 6:30 pm
The Dove
228 Thompson Street between Bleecker & West 3rd Streets
p.s. von Hottie's hard drive failed, which means no website updates until next week, when she reconstructs her entire life. So for now, all von Hottie's got is this blog!
Join von Hottie for cocktails, calendars, and the launch of the biggest emerging media conglomerate ever!Be among the first to own a limited edition von Hottie 2007 Pin Up Calendar, personally autographed by von Hottie herself!
It's everything you ever wanted, but never knew existed, and everything you need to finish your holiday shopping!
Happy Hour until 8pm! More fun and surprises to come!
If you can't make it, see von Hottie later in the evening at BUA on 8th Street & Ave. A. If you live in New York, but can't make it to the party, but want to purchase a calendar, email vonHottie@gmail.com and we'll work it out.
von Hottie Launch Party
December 7th, 6:30 pm
The Dove
228 Thompson Street between Bleecker & West 3rd Streets
p.s. von Hottie's hard drive failed, which means no website updates until next week, when she reconstructs her entire life. So for now, all von Hottie's got is this blog!
Monday, November 20, 2006
von Math: 1+1=3
My fiance is begging me to have a 3-way. Should I do it?
****
Boy, if I had a dime for everytime someone asked me this question. No, really, I'd be rolling in it.
But back to business, it worries me that you ask if you "should" do something. When it comes to your body and your sex life, there are no "shoulds" except that you must be kind to your own physical and emotional well-being.
Threesomes are tricky - it's one thing when it happens one crazy night in college fueled by an entire bottle of Jose Cuervo, and an entirely different thing when you introduce a third party into a committed, monogamous relationship. You should never jeapordize your own physical and emotional safety simply for an orgasm, or act under pressure to please someone else. That said, many couples find threesomes to be a delightful, fulfilling and liberating experience. The key is clear and honest communication between all parties involved. I found this article and this article on the web, which might help you as you contemplate making a fantasy a reality, and all the practicalities involved in actually orchestrating a threesome.
As an alternative, or perhaps a baby step, might I suggest a little bit of creative roleplay to "test" out a threesome with just you and your fiance? You can pretend to be someone you both have a crush on (dress up for extra fun), and seduce your fiance, or vice versa. How to start? Just begin the conversation, "Honey, if you walked into the bedroom and found [insert fantasy lover], what would you do?" Have your fiance act out the fantasy as he describes it to you.
It will be just like having sex with a third person, but there will be only two of you in the room.
Have fun!
Love,
von Hottie
****
Boy, if I had a dime for everytime someone asked me this question. No, really, I'd be rolling in it.
But back to business, it worries me that you ask if you "should" do something. When it comes to your body and your sex life, there are no "shoulds" except that you must be kind to your own physical and emotional well-being.
Threesomes are tricky - it's one thing when it happens one crazy night in college fueled by an entire bottle of Jose Cuervo, and an entirely different thing when you introduce a third party into a committed, monogamous relationship. You should never jeapordize your own physical and emotional safety simply for an orgasm, or act under pressure to please someone else. That said, many couples find threesomes to be a delightful, fulfilling and liberating experience. The key is clear and honest communication between all parties involved. I found this article and this article on the web, which might help you as you contemplate making a fantasy a reality, and all the practicalities involved in actually orchestrating a threesome.
As an alternative, or perhaps a baby step, might I suggest a little bit of creative roleplay to "test" out a threesome with just you and your fiance? You can pretend to be someone you both have a crush on (dress up for extra fun), and seduce your fiance, or vice versa. How to start? Just begin the conversation, "Honey, if you walked into the bedroom and found [insert fantasy lover], what would you do?" Have your fiance act out the fantasy as he describes it to you.
It will be just like having sex with a third person, but there will be only two of you in the room.
Have fun!
Love,
von Hottie
I'll sign for that package
I can’t seem to stop fantasizing about my Fed-Ex Man. His package is just smack in my face everyday but I can’t seem to muster up any words to say to him.
Desperately seeking a Delivery
*****
Dear Desperately,
Oh, wow. Have I been there. There's just something about a man in uniform who brings you presents (a.k.a. important overnighted documents).Just for you, dear Desperately, I did some serious investigative reporting for this one. I waited by the first FedEx truck I saw in SoHo. I spoke with a very cute FedEx employee. Like any good deliveryman, he definitely had something just for you.
von Hottie: Excuse me, have you ever made a love connection while delivering a package?
FedEx: No, I haven't been that lucky.
vH: I have a reader who has a crush on her FedEx delivery man. Do you have any advice for her?
FedEx: She should talk to him. Tell him how she feels.
vH: Anything else?
FedEx: Nah. Just do it.
There you have it. From the source.
I'd also suggest striking up a casual conversation with your FedEx man. "How's your day going? What are you doing for the holiday, etc." Bringing up the holidays is a convenient way to engage him in a conversation while also learning valuable personal information, like where he lives, where his family lives, who he's spending the holiday with (friends, family, girlfriend, fiancee, etc.). All of this is fodder for conversation the next time you see him. Eventually, when he's delivering a package, you'll Priority Overnight an invitation for drinks or dinner.
Good luck!
Love,
von Hottie
p.s. Don't say anything along the lines of "Nice package,etc." I tried it. It doesn't work. Stick to the basics.
Morning, lover
Without fail I see the same lovely lady on my way to work from the subway every morning! She always passes by and I can't seem to get up the courage to say anything to her. How do I approach her casually without being that creepy character we all dread?
Please help!
Love,
stalker-i-don't-wanna-be
*******
Dear Stalker-I-Don’t-Wanna-Be,
This is a tricky one. The goal is to be able to somehow put yourself in a casual social situation where you can strike up a casual conversation. The first thing to do is to start smiling at her every time you see here – not in a creepy way but in a “My what a nice morning, hello there nice person” way. Where is this lady going? If you can manage it subtly, you can pretend to be running an errand on your way to work and see where she goes. Window shop, pick up a newspaper, anything that looks like part of your normal routine. Ideally, your ladylove is going to the same place every morning, just like you. Maybe she’s getting a cup of coffee? You can begin to frequent the same coffee shop in the mornings. Smile politely the first few times, and eventually you’ll be able to drop a few words while you’re both waiting in line, which hopefully will lead to a conversation about mutual interests and eventually a date! Be careful not to come on too strong though, especially before she gets to know you. It’s hard to be hit on before your first cup of coffee. Best to start off gently and friendly. You won’t be a stalker because she won’t be able to help but like the nice person she sees every day in the coffee shop.
Good luck!
Love,
von Hottie
I love you
Dear von Hottie,
I love you. Is that ok?
-K
Dear K,
Of course that’s ok! It’s nice to love people. I love you too.
Love,
von Hottie
Too red or not too red?
Dear von Hottie,I'm a girl who has been blessed with big lips (the ones on my face, duh! Don't be dirty!). Although I have always felt rather proud and smug as I pass by the lip-plumping action lipsticks at Duane Reade, I get a bit lost when I try to comprehend all of the options for a full lip figured girl such as myself. Gloss? Shimmer? Can a lady with big lips wear red? Pink? Should I stick to a dab of Vaseline and call it a day? Help me von hottie!
Signed,
Trying to Avoid the "Clown Look"
Brooklyn, NY
********
Dear Trying in Brooklyn,
I have two words for you: Angelina Jolie. She’s famous for having a multi-cultural family, an action-packed film career, a drop-dead gorgeous baby daddy, and big full RED lips. You should not be afraid to wear gloss, shimmer, pink or red. The key is to balance the rest of your makeup so you look like a luscious lady and not a lady of the night. For your first foray into the decadent world of red, I recommend Angel Red by Clinique. It’s a modest, muted red for people who do not wear red. If I ever feel that my lips are too red, I layer a thin coat of gloss or chapstick over my red lipstick and smash my lips together, which makes me feel as if I’ve diluted what might have been an overpowering amount of red.
Most importantly though, remember that it’s not what you put on your lips, but what you say with them that counts.
Love,
von Hottie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
