there's a reason trash should stay on the curb

Dear von Hottie,

I'm having a dilemma! I've been seeing my ex-boyfriend on occasion (we live in different cities). The problem is, the more I see him, the more I realize I love him. And now that we spend time together without commitment, I think he likes our relationship better. To make matters worse, he was recently an hour away from me and didn't ask me to meet him or much less call me!

I tried to talk about my feelings with him and he told me that if I thought I was wasting my time, I should tell him. And when I said that was a terrible thing to say, he backtracked and said his response was based on something I said previously.

I really love him and I need to find a way to make it clear what I want from this relationship. My beautiful and extremely talented cousin said I should consult you.

So....Help me von Hottie!

Love,

Forlorn in Philadelphia



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Dear Forlorn,

Sit down, girl, and grab your blankie and a bottle of wine. Actually, forget the blankie and add an extra bottle of wine. You are not going to like what I am about to say.

Here's what it sounds like is the situation: You are in love with your ex-boyfriend. He likes your relationship better because it now involves no commitment. You would like a commitment from him, but you are also not a priority to him, or he would have made the effort to see you when he was within any sort of proximity to you.

I think that your ex is right. You are wasting your time. Any man who does not make you a priority is a waste of time. Boyfriends are supposed to think that you are the best thing since champagne got bubbles, and they should treat you as such. Otherwise, what's the point? You don't need more friends, and it's not like hanging out with him will prevent you from getting cancer or give you superpowers. If he doesn't worship you, why bother?

Cut him off. You can't just stop loving someone but you can stop seeing them, and soon you will find other people to love, people who will appreciate your time and your commitment. Take your bottle(s) of wine and toast to yourself, to your new life filled with people who will be worth your while.


Love,
von Hottie

p.s. Cutting him off will drive him crazy. He may start pursuing you like mad just out of frustration. Don't encourage it, but just let him do it. He'll get over it. And if he doesn't pursue you like mad, you will see exactly what you meant to him, and it will be just one more reason to kick him to the curb.

von Party Dress?

Dear von Hottie,

I'm coming to your party! But I have no idea what to wear! Help, von Hottie, help me!

Sincerely,

Stressed & Undressed


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Dear Stressed & Undressed,

As I always say: a smile fits every occasion! I will be glamming it up, von Hottie cocktail-style, and I would be thrilled if you appeared as my soulmate in glam! Consider dressing up for my party as an homage to your own von Hottness. Or, you could show everyone up by changing midway through the party from your first outfit into something from von Hottie's brand new apparel line, von Hottsie Tottsie - which will go onsale for the first time ever at the party! Regardless of what you decide, just remember that von Hottie thinks you are beautiful no matter what you wear.

Love,
von Hottie

a little concealer goes a long way

Dear von Hottie,

I have a date with a really cute guy tonight, and I've been looking forward to it all week.
This morning, I woke up with a giant pimple on the center of my forehead.
I should cancel, right?

Love,
Blemished and Banished in Brooklyn

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Dear B & B in Brooklyn,

While I'm not sure if the rules are different in the world of same-sex dating, I personally have never been a fan of letting a little blemish hold you back in life. Put some cream on it (I hear toothpaste works wonders in a pinch), add little concealer, and you're good to go. It's really all about attitude. That said, if you think you'll spend the whole night just thinking about the blemish, which will prevent you from really getting to know and enjoy your date, then sure, cancel. But honestly, I think you should go ahead with the date. If this man can't love you, blemishes and all, then you have no business dating him in the first place.

Love,
von Hottie

p.s. A very handsome, very wise person told me once that when in trouble, just apply more lipgloss. It draws attention to the more important things in life.

von famous

This is von Hottie and her wonderful photographer, Luke. Today, we were shooting on the Staten Island Ferry. After posing for pictures with fans, a young girl asked von Hottie:

"Are you famous?"

"Yes," von Hottie replied. "Marginally famous. Marginally."

von hottie does what she does the way she does it

von hottie
don't you ever get scared, doing what you do in public??
i mean, are you not at all shy??
besos, jimmy

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Dear Jimmy,

The first time I shot as von Hottie I had 3 mimosas beforehand. After that it was easy as pie! Most of the time people passing by are so supportive - every time I shoot someone walks by and yells something like "you go girl" or "hello gorgeous." Most of the time I shoot downtown and frankly, I'm the least crazy thing happening downtown. Also, once people notice my photographer, they respect my space. The only time I've ever been creeped out was in Times Square - it's so Disney that I thought they might arrest me for being non-family-friendly. But I had more clothes on than the Naked Cowboy so I figured I was OK. While in Times Square, this kind of creepy guy followed us around as we shot, so I just moved into the middle of the street for a picture and he left. Other than that, it's usually pretty fun and people tell me I'm pretty. The best fans are women in their 40s & 50s - they really get von Hottie and they've got enough ex-hippie in them that they like a little public indecency.

The only people who don't like von Hottie are people who don't like themselves. But that's not my problem.

Love, von Hottie

von Hottie narrowly escapes arrest!

Don't worry, von Hottie fans! von Hottie escaped unscathed.

While pausing outside of a Manhattan subway station (which just happened to exit through an office building) to slip street clothes over her swimsuit, von Hottie was accosted by a female security guard who insisted that von Hottie was "stripping in public." von Hottie tried to explain that she was trying to put her clothes back ON, but the security guard continued to threaten von Hottie with arrest for indecent exposure*. von Hottie tried to explain that she was trying to leave the subway station and was not here to cause any trouble, but the security guard continued to detain her with lectures about "stripping in public" and the dubious morality of von Hottie and her swimsuit.The security guard then escorted von Hottie out of the subway station while she contined to yell on and on about "stripping in public." Ironically, once she was on the street, von Hottie was able to slip her street clothes over her head in peace, "indecently exposing" herself to 50 times more people than had been in the subway station.

Look's like someone's security desk is about to receive a complimentary 2007 calendar. After all, von Hottie is a New York landmark too.



*von Hottie was not indecently exposed. As women in New York are allowed to go topless in public, von Hottie would actually have to be fully naked to commit indecent exposure.

Where's von Hottie?

von Hottie began production last week. von Hottie loves New Yorkers! Here are the best bystander quotes so far:

Shooting on the Brooklyn Bridge:

Man in suit & tie: "Mmm, mmmm, mmmm - that looks like the cover of Vogue right there!"

Shooting at P.S. 122:

von Hottie, after posing on a woman who was on all fours: "Who did I just sit on?"

Karl: "Oh, just one of our board members."

Want to help von Hottie during a shoot? Just email vonhottie@vonhottie.com

von Thinker #3

If you spread enough rumors about yourself, they will eventually come true.

von Hottie 2008!

The von Hottie 2008 calendar is now in production! We'll be shooting all over New York, just like the Sex & the City movie! Here's our schedule so far:

Thursday, October 5:

The Brooklyn Bridge & Lower Manhattan

If you have any suggestions as to where von Hottie should shoot next, email vonhottie at vonhottie.com.


Wheee!
Love,
von Hottie

Hey soldier!

von Hottie has received her first fan mail from a real active duty soldier, via MySpace! You have no idea how much this tickles her black-lycra spandex blend. von Hottie would like to send big kisses to our men and women serving overseas.

von Thinker #2

I hear people say a lot that people are stupid.

I'm not stupid but I am a person. Which means maybe I am stupid without knowing about it. Which means that it is just as possible that I am somehow an oblivious fascist. Because if I can be unaware of my own stupidity, I might be simultaneously unaware of my own prejudices. Be careful what you say about people, because it might be true about you too.

von Thinker

When people say they are an intuitive thinker, isn't that an oxymoron? If you're going off intuition, then you're not really thinking. You're just going with the flow.

Love,
von Hottie