attack of the momzilla

Dear von Hottie,

You've heard of bridezillas, you've heard of runaway brides, but have
you ever encountered a bride that wanted to run far and fast from her
momzilla? My mom says she likes my fiance but has been fighting my
wedding every step of the way since engagement. She sarcastically
expresses doubt about every decision my fiance and I manage to make,
and at T minus 5.5 months we don't have time to spare. She has managed
to suck the joy from almost every moment to the point that I no longer
want to tell her about any of it. The worst part is this is so not how
I want it to go down. I would love to have her involved in every last
detail but not if she's going to drive me to elope! Whatever am I to
do?! HELP, von Hottie, HELP!

Love,

Damsel-in-distress

********
Dear Damsel,

One of the first rules of war is to know your enemy. Let's assess from your momzilla's point of view.

1) It sounds like this is your mother's first wedding, am I right? In that case, while you may be embarking on a joyous, sunshine-filled new life with your amazingly hot and wonderful fiance, your mother may feel like she is losing her baby girl. Her nitpicking could be the symptoms of an overwhelming anxiety - where will she fit into in your new life? How will your relationship change? What kind of influence will she have in your life now?

2) What's going on in her life? With you married, who does she have as a support system? A husband, a boyfriend, neither? She may be feeling very lonely. In most cases, negativity is rarely about you, and all about them.

Now that we've got some perspective on the momzilla, let's see how we can manage her:

1) You must stand up to her. Tell her that her negativity is overbearing and overwhelming. Tell her this is not how you would like to share with her the experience of your wedding. Remind her that this is your wedding. Talk to her about her feelings. Reassure her that she will still be in your life during and after the wedding.

That said, you can't stop someone's behavior without giving them an alternate behavior, so:

1) Pick something about the wedding you absolutely don't care about and that she would enjoy. If you showed up to your wedding and the reception area were decorated with clown balloons and that wouldn't phase you, put her in charge of decor. Your mother is feeling a loss of control, so give her a sense of ownership. Also, this will distract her and leave you free to do whatever you like with the rest of the joyous occasion.

2) Teach her a few key phrases with which she is required to respond to your wedding decisions or she will be excluded from the conversation. For example:

You: "Mom, we picked the invitations. They're blue!"
Momzilla: "What a wonderful choice, daughter! You have excellent taste!"

or

You: "Mom, we're going to serve chocolate truffles during the cocktail hour!"
Momzilla: "How delicious. I'm sure I will be too swept up in the joy of the day to even notice what I'm eating!"

I know it sounds silly, but if the two of you can laugh about your differences, then half the battle is already won.

4) Ask her for her opinion or advice before you make a decision. It doesn't matter what you pick, or if you take her advice, but ask for it. It will make her feel special and included, and will proactively preempt a negative reaction to a decision you've already made.

5) Remember, she can't take anything that you don't give. If she starts to nag, tune her out. Pet your pretty invitations, ruffle the hair of your adorable husband-to-be, gaze at the dazzling addition to your left hand. Do whatever centers you and calms you down so you can react to the situation with a clear head and kind heart.

6) Seek out other brides for help. I have a feeling you are not the first bride to have an overbearing momzilla. Also, theknot.com has some advice on dealing with difficult mothers - check out this article and this article for more advice on dealing with mothers. I actually think my advice is better and more specific. But they're the professionals so it can't hurt to check them out.

Best of luck and congratulations!

Love,

von Hottie

love amongst the lockers or what's my combination for love

Dear von Hottie,

I am still in love with my high school sweetheart, whose heart I broke about 5 years ago. We're friends now, and he's still as wonderful as ever. I'm just not sure if we're right for each other. How will I know? What should I do?

- No Longer a Teenager, Still in Love

****************

Dear Teenager,

Ah, first love. It's a bitch.

First, where is your sweetheart in his life now? Does he have a serious girlfriend? How good of friends are you? How often do you see each other?

As for knowing if you're right for each other, no one can tell you that but yourself. What you should ask yourself is why you think you and he are not right for each other? What are you looking for in a partner, what do qualities do you need in a partner for a healthy and vibrant relationship? Answer these questions for yourself and then you can ask if he is right for you. Next, how are the two of you together? Do you bring out the best qualities in each other, do you work together well, do you make each other a better person? Or do you want to just hold hands and sit by your locker like in the good old days, before life was complicated and people became complex?

I would suggest remaining friends with this boy. Be an open, honest, and true friend. See where it leads. If it's going well, eventually you may want to tell him how you feel. Most importantly though, don't let the hazy wonderfulness of the past cloud you from seeing what is good and wonderful now. This may be the boy for you, but you should let a few others have a chance too. Sometimes love is like comparison shopping - how can you tell if he is the one if you haven't checked out some other options?

Love,

von Hottie

just say no

Dear von Oracle,

I have a serious problem. I have an ex boyfriend who I can't seem to stay away from. It's like he's crack and I'm addicted! To make it worse lately we've been conversing via telephone a lot and I think I want to get back together with him or at least make him a friend with benefits.

What should I do? Do I need rehab? Help me von Hottie!!!!

--Addicted to crack

*******
Dear Addicted,

Your references to crack make me think that perhaps this was not the healthiest relationship you could have. How long has it been since you and he were together? Perhaps you need to examine the reasons why you feel so compelled to "jump off the wagon," as it were. Is it loneliness, the comfort of and security of sticking with what you know? Are there certain times in your life (i.e. during stress or uncertainty) when you feel more compelled to be with this person? Is the high your get from this relationship really love or is it familiarity, security, and comfort? Or are you just hard up?

One of the hardest things to do is to leave behind someone you love. But sometimes we need to leave certain people behind in order to achieve the healthiest, most prolific and fulfilled lives for ourselves. My dear Addicted, you are a beautiful, wonderful, radiant being. You deserve only the best in life. The path you walk now may be a lonely one, but there are friends to help you on your way. Keep your chin up, your eye on the horizon, your heart pure, and many blessings will come to you.

Love,

von Hottie

p.s. I often find that an organic, vegetarian meal before blogging helps to bring out the Buddha within.