attack of the momzilla

Dear von Hottie,

You've heard of bridezillas, you've heard of runaway brides, but have
you ever encountered a bride that wanted to run far and fast from her
momzilla? My mom says she likes my fiance but has been fighting my
wedding every step of the way since engagement. She sarcastically
expresses doubt about every decision my fiance and I manage to make,
and at T minus 5.5 months we don't have time to spare. She has managed
to suck the joy from almost every moment to the point that I no longer
want to tell her about any of it. The worst part is this is so not how
I want it to go down. I would love to have her involved in every last
detail but not if she's going to drive me to elope! Whatever am I to
do?! HELP, von Hottie, HELP!

Love,

Damsel-in-distress

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Dear Damsel,

One of the first rules of war is to know your enemy. Let's assess from your momzilla's point of view.

1) It sounds like this is your mother's first wedding, am I right? In that case, while you may be embarking on a joyous, sunshine-filled new life with your amazingly hot and wonderful fiance, your mother may feel like she is losing her baby girl. Her nitpicking could be the symptoms of an overwhelming anxiety - where will she fit into in your new life? How will your relationship change? What kind of influence will she have in your life now?

2) What's going on in her life? With you married, who does she have as a support system? A husband, a boyfriend, neither? She may be feeling very lonely. In most cases, negativity is rarely about you, and all about them.

Now that we've got some perspective on the momzilla, let's see how we can manage her:

1) You must stand up to her. Tell her that her negativity is overbearing and overwhelming. Tell her this is not how you would like to share with her the experience of your wedding. Remind her that this is your wedding. Talk to her about her feelings. Reassure her that she will still be in your life during and after the wedding.

That said, you can't stop someone's behavior without giving them an alternate behavior, so:

1) Pick something about the wedding you absolutely don't care about and that she would enjoy. If you showed up to your wedding and the reception area were decorated with clown balloons and that wouldn't phase you, put her in charge of decor. Your mother is feeling a loss of control, so give her a sense of ownership. Also, this will distract her and leave you free to do whatever you like with the rest of the joyous occasion.

2) Teach her a few key phrases with which she is required to respond to your wedding decisions or she will be excluded from the conversation. For example:

You: "Mom, we picked the invitations. They're blue!"
Momzilla: "What a wonderful choice, daughter! You have excellent taste!"

or

You: "Mom, we're going to serve chocolate truffles during the cocktail hour!"
Momzilla: "How delicious. I'm sure I will be too swept up in the joy of the day to even notice what I'm eating!"

I know it sounds silly, but if the two of you can laugh about your differences, then half the battle is already won.

4) Ask her for her opinion or advice before you make a decision. It doesn't matter what you pick, or if you take her advice, but ask for it. It will make her feel special and included, and will proactively preempt a negative reaction to a decision you've already made.

5) Remember, she can't take anything that you don't give. If she starts to nag, tune her out. Pet your pretty invitations, ruffle the hair of your adorable husband-to-be, gaze at the dazzling addition to your left hand. Do whatever centers you and calms you down so you can react to the situation with a clear head and kind heart.

6) Seek out other brides for help. I have a feeling you are not the first bride to have an overbearing momzilla. Also, theknot.com has some advice on dealing with difficult mothers - check out this article and this article for more advice on dealing with mothers. I actually think my advice is better and more specific. But they're the professionals so it can't hurt to check them out.

Best of luck and congratulations!

Love,

von Hottie