Dear von Hottie,
My younger sister lives in a big city. She is CRAZY. To which sanitarium should I send her?
- Big Brother
************
Dear Big Brother,
Maybe your little sister is just living it up amongst the bright lights. You should love her and be glad that someone else is living all the colors of the world for you.
P.S. I don't think they have sanitariums anymore. Perhaps you should buy her a weekend at Canyon Ranch instead.
Love,
von Hottie
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
shopping around
Dear von Hottie,
Everyone says that the grocery store is a great way to meet guys, and after my most recent trip their I realized that it is a cornucopia of attractive and what appear to be single men. How does one approach someone in the grocery store and start shopping for two??? Do I approach them in the produce section? Bond over Keebler Elves cookies???? Reach for the same six pack of coca-a-cola???? Help Von Hottie!
-The Lost Shopper
***********************************
Dear Shopper,
The first step is always the hardest. You just need to approach these attractive men. It doesn't matter which aisle, or what you say. Just start making conversation. It might be easier for you if you stick to a section you feel most comfortable with, i.e. cheese. You can always start off a conversation by remarking "Oh, that one is so good" or "I tried that at a cocktail party last week. I wouldn't go for that." It doesn't matter. Just say something to get a conversation started. If they're not responding after one or two remarks, move onto the next aisle. I'd stay away from places like the cookie aisle, as those tend to be places riddled by guilt and no one wants to be caught picking out their extra triple fudge and cream delights, unless you are magically able to build a rapport with the object of your affection around your common pudge. The produce aisle might be a good place to start. You can ask something like "Is this Kale or Collard Greens?" Pretend you're trying some delicious new recipe. Unless you don't actually cook. Then play the damsel in distress card who needs a handsome vegetable connoisseur to rescue him from culinary disaster. Truly, it doesn't matter, just try something.
It will be hard the first few times, and 90% of the time, you'll strike out, but at least you'll get your confidence up and maybe learn a few things about leafy greens and root vegetables. If you get nervous, just remember that you have all five feet, two inches of von Hottie cheering you on. I already have a crush on you, and they will too.
Love,
von Hottie
Everyone says that the grocery store is a great way to meet guys, and after my most recent trip their I realized that it is a cornucopia of attractive and what appear to be single men. How does one approach someone in the grocery store and start shopping for two??? Do I approach them in the produce section? Bond over Keebler Elves cookies???? Reach for the same six pack of coca-a-cola???? Help Von Hottie!
-The Lost Shopper
***********************************
Dear Shopper,
The first step is always the hardest. You just need to approach these attractive men. It doesn't matter which aisle, or what you say. Just start making conversation. It might be easier for you if you stick to a section you feel most comfortable with, i.e. cheese. You can always start off a conversation by remarking "Oh, that one is so good" or "I tried that at a cocktail party last week. I wouldn't go for that." It doesn't matter. Just say something to get a conversation started. If they're not responding after one or two remarks, move onto the next aisle. I'd stay away from places like the cookie aisle, as those tend to be places riddled by guilt and no one wants to be caught picking out their extra triple fudge and cream delights, unless you are magically able to build a rapport with the object of your affection around your common pudge. The produce aisle might be a good place to start. You can ask something like "Is this Kale or Collard Greens?" Pretend you're trying some delicious new recipe. Unless you don't actually cook. Then play the damsel in distress card who needs a handsome vegetable connoisseur to rescue him from culinary disaster. Truly, it doesn't matter, just try something.
It will be hard the first few times, and 90% of the time, you'll strike out, but at least you'll get your confidence up and maybe learn a few things about leafy greens and root vegetables. If you get nervous, just remember that you have all five feet, two inches of von Hottie cheering you on. I already have a crush on you, and they will too.
Love,
von Hottie
Pour some $ugar on me
Dear von Hottie:
I'm torn. I'm close to finally wrapping up grad school and with it, enormous debt. I have a potential source of funding that could ease my financial situation - namely, a sugar daddy candidate. Sugar daddy is about 18 years my senior, not terribly unattractive, and very interested in a relationship with me. Though I know entering a relationship purely for financial freedom is wrong, I can't shake the idea out of my head! What should I do?
Sincerely,
$weet Tooth
******************************
Dear $weet Tooth,
First of all, congratulations on nearly completing your higher education!
I'm a little confused on the details of your situation. Has Sugar Daddy explicitly offered you money in exchange for a physical relationship? Or are you the irrestistible studmuffin acquaintance of an affluent older man whom you know would "take care of you" financially should you engage in a relationship with him?
In the best case scenario, post-graduate school, you can use your advanced degree to acquire employment which would support the debt you acquired in order to acheive such gainful employment. However, sometimes a Hottie's gotta do what a Hottie's gotta do, especially in today's economic climate and job market.
It's not wrong to engage in a relationship with an affluent partner, but it is wrong to misrepresent yourself, your body, your emotions and your intentions to said affluent partner for material gain. Also, money often represents power in a relationship. I wouldn't want you to get in over your head, or become overly dependent on this alternate income stream. Just because someone gives you money does not mean they own you. After all, you'll most likely leave the town in which you attend school and would have to leave your Sugar Daddy lifestyle behind in order to utilize your degree.
If however, both parties understand the arrangement and are respectful of each other's hearts and minds, go ahead and indulge your sweet tooth. To stay on the safe side of the law (male prostitution is illegal unless you move to Nevada to join Heidi Fleiss's Stud Farm), I would encourage accepting material goods over currency. You can always sell your expensive junk on eBay to obtain the cold cash you need.
Happy job hunting!
Love,
von Hottie
I'm torn. I'm close to finally wrapping up grad school and with it, enormous debt. I have a potential source of funding that could ease my financial situation - namely, a sugar daddy candidate. Sugar daddy is about 18 years my senior, not terribly unattractive, and very interested in a relationship with me. Though I know entering a relationship purely for financial freedom is wrong, I can't shake the idea out of my head! What should I do?
Sincerely,
$weet Tooth
******************************
Dear $weet Tooth,
First of all, congratulations on nearly completing your higher education!
I'm a little confused on the details of your situation. Has Sugar Daddy explicitly offered you money in exchange for a physical relationship? Or are you the irrestistible studmuffin acquaintance of an affluent older man whom you know would "take care of you" financially should you engage in a relationship with him?
In the best case scenario, post-graduate school, you can use your advanced degree to acquire employment which would support the debt you acquired in order to acheive such gainful employment. However, sometimes a Hottie's gotta do what a Hottie's gotta do, especially in today's economic climate and job market.
It's not wrong to engage in a relationship with an affluent partner, but it is wrong to misrepresent yourself, your body, your emotions and your intentions to said affluent partner for material gain. Also, money often represents power in a relationship. I wouldn't want you to get in over your head, or become overly dependent on this alternate income stream. Just because someone gives you money does not mean they own you. After all, you'll most likely leave the town in which you attend school and would have to leave your Sugar Daddy lifestyle behind in order to utilize your degree.
If however, both parties understand the arrangement and are respectful of each other's hearts and minds, go ahead and indulge your sweet tooth. To stay on the safe side of the law (male prostitution is illegal unless you move to Nevada to join Heidi Fleiss's Stud Farm), I would encourage accepting material goods over currency. You can always sell your expensive junk on eBay to obtain the cold cash you need.
Happy job hunting!
Love,
von Hottie
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
von Hottie Launch Party!
The von Hottie 2007 pin up calendar is coming!
Join von Hottie for cocktails, calendars, and the launch of the biggest emerging media conglomerate ever!Be among the first to own a limited edition von Hottie 2007 Pin Up Calendar, personally autographed by von Hottie herself!
It's everything you ever wanted, but never knew existed, and everything you need to finish your holiday shopping!
Happy Hour until 8pm! More fun and surprises to come!
If you can't make it, see von Hottie later in the evening at BUA on 8th Street & Ave. A. If you live in New York, but can't make it to the party, but want to purchase a calendar, email vonHottie@gmail.com and we'll work it out.
von Hottie Launch Party
December 7th, 6:30 pm
The Dove
228 Thompson Street between Bleecker & West 3rd Streets
p.s. von Hottie's hard drive failed, which means no website updates until next week, when she reconstructs her entire life. So for now, all von Hottie's got is this blog!
Join von Hottie for cocktails, calendars, and the launch of the biggest emerging media conglomerate ever!Be among the first to own a limited edition von Hottie 2007 Pin Up Calendar, personally autographed by von Hottie herself!
It's everything you ever wanted, but never knew existed, and everything you need to finish your holiday shopping!
Happy Hour until 8pm! More fun and surprises to come!
If you can't make it, see von Hottie later in the evening at BUA on 8th Street & Ave. A. If you live in New York, but can't make it to the party, but want to purchase a calendar, email vonHottie@gmail.com and we'll work it out.
von Hottie Launch Party
December 7th, 6:30 pm
The Dove
228 Thompson Street between Bleecker & West 3rd Streets
p.s. von Hottie's hard drive failed, which means no website updates until next week, when she reconstructs her entire life. So for now, all von Hottie's got is this blog!
Monday, November 20, 2006
von Math: 1+1=3
My fiance is begging me to have a 3-way. Should I do it?
****
Boy, if I had a dime for everytime someone asked me this question. No, really, I'd be rolling in it.
But back to business, it worries me that you ask if you "should" do something. When it comes to your body and your sex life, there are no "shoulds" except that you must be kind to your own physical and emotional well-being.
Threesomes are tricky - it's one thing when it happens one crazy night in college fueled by an entire bottle of Jose Cuervo, and an entirely different thing when you introduce a third party into a committed, monogamous relationship. You should never jeapordize your own physical and emotional safety simply for an orgasm, or act under pressure to please someone else. That said, many couples find threesomes to be a delightful, fulfilling and liberating experience. The key is clear and honest communication between all parties involved. I found this article and this article on the web, which might help you as you contemplate making a fantasy a reality, and all the practicalities involved in actually orchestrating a threesome.
As an alternative, or perhaps a baby step, might I suggest a little bit of creative roleplay to "test" out a threesome with just you and your fiance? You can pretend to be someone you both have a crush on (dress up for extra fun), and seduce your fiance, or vice versa. How to start? Just begin the conversation, "Honey, if you walked into the bedroom and found [insert fantasy lover], what would you do?" Have your fiance act out the fantasy as he describes it to you.
It will be just like having sex with a third person, but there will be only two of you in the room.
Have fun!
Love,
von Hottie
****
Boy, if I had a dime for everytime someone asked me this question. No, really, I'd be rolling in it.
But back to business, it worries me that you ask if you "should" do something. When it comes to your body and your sex life, there are no "shoulds" except that you must be kind to your own physical and emotional well-being.
Threesomes are tricky - it's one thing when it happens one crazy night in college fueled by an entire bottle of Jose Cuervo, and an entirely different thing when you introduce a third party into a committed, monogamous relationship. You should never jeapordize your own physical and emotional safety simply for an orgasm, or act under pressure to please someone else. That said, many couples find threesomes to be a delightful, fulfilling and liberating experience. The key is clear and honest communication between all parties involved. I found this article and this article on the web, which might help you as you contemplate making a fantasy a reality, and all the practicalities involved in actually orchestrating a threesome.
As an alternative, or perhaps a baby step, might I suggest a little bit of creative roleplay to "test" out a threesome with just you and your fiance? You can pretend to be someone you both have a crush on (dress up for extra fun), and seduce your fiance, or vice versa. How to start? Just begin the conversation, "Honey, if you walked into the bedroom and found [insert fantasy lover], what would you do?" Have your fiance act out the fantasy as he describes it to you.
It will be just like having sex with a third person, but there will be only two of you in the room.
Have fun!
Love,
von Hottie
I'll sign for that package
I can’t seem to stop fantasizing about my Fed-Ex Man. His package is just smack in my face everyday but I can’t seem to muster up any words to say to him.
Desperately seeking a Delivery
*****
Dear Desperately,
Oh, wow. Have I been there. There's just something about a man in uniform who brings you presents (a.k.a. important overnighted documents).Just for you, dear Desperately, I did some serious investigative reporting for this one. I waited by the first FedEx truck I saw in SoHo. I spoke with a very cute FedEx employee. Like any good deliveryman, he definitely had something just for you.
von Hottie: Excuse me, have you ever made a love connection while delivering a package?
FedEx: No, I haven't been that lucky.
vH: I have a reader who has a crush on her FedEx delivery man. Do you have any advice for her?
FedEx: She should talk to him. Tell him how she feels.
vH: Anything else?
FedEx: Nah. Just do it.
There you have it. From the source.
I'd also suggest striking up a casual conversation with your FedEx man. "How's your day going? What are you doing for the holiday, etc." Bringing up the holidays is a convenient way to engage him in a conversation while also learning valuable personal information, like where he lives, where his family lives, who he's spending the holiday with (friends, family, girlfriend, fiancee, etc.). All of this is fodder for conversation the next time you see him. Eventually, when he's delivering a package, you'll Priority Overnight an invitation for drinks or dinner.
Good luck!
Love,
von Hottie
p.s. Don't say anything along the lines of "Nice package,etc." I tried it. It doesn't work. Stick to the basics.
Morning, lover
Without fail I see the same lovely lady on my way to work from the subway every morning! She always passes by and I can't seem to get up the courage to say anything to her. How do I approach her casually without being that creepy character we all dread?
Please help!
Love,
stalker-i-don't-wanna-be
*******
Dear Stalker-I-Don’t-Wanna-Be,
This is a tricky one. The goal is to be able to somehow put yourself in a casual social situation where you can strike up a casual conversation. The first thing to do is to start smiling at her every time you see here – not in a creepy way but in a “My what a nice morning, hello there nice person” way. Where is this lady going? If you can manage it subtly, you can pretend to be running an errand on your way to work and see where she goes. Window shop, pick up a newspaper, anything that looks like part of your normal routine. Ideally, your ladylove is going to the same place every morning, just like you. Maybe she’s getting a cup of coffee? You can begin to frequent the same coffee shop in the mornings. Smile politely the first few times, and eventually you’ll be able to drop a few words while you’re both waiting in line, which hopefully will lead to a conversation about mutual interests and eventually a date! Be careful not to come on too strong though, especially before she gets to know you. It’s hard to be hit on before your first cup of coffee. Best to start off gently and friendly. You won’t be a stalker because she won’t be able to help but like the nice person she sees every day in the coffee shop.
Good luck!
Love,
von Hottie
I love you
Dear von Hottie,
I love you. Is that ok?
-K
Dear K,
Of course that’s ok! It’s nice to love people. I love you too.
Love,
von Hottie
Too red or not too red?
Dear von Hottie,I'm a girl who has been blessed with big lips (the ones on my face, duh! Don't be dirty!). Although I have always felt rather proud and smug as I pass by the lip-plumping action lipsticks at Duane Reade, I get a bit lost when I try to comprehend all of the options for a full lip figured girl such as myself. Gloss? Shimmer? Can a lady with big lips wear red? Pink? Should I stick to a dab of Vaseline and call it a day? Help me von hottie!
Signed,
Trying to Avoid the "Clown Look"
Brooklyn, NY
********
Dear Trying in Brooklyn,
I have two words for you: Angelina Jolie. She’s famous for having a multi-cultural family, an action-packed film career, a drop-dead gorgeous baby daddy, and big full RED lips. You should not be afraid to wear gloss, shimmer, pink or red. The key is to balance the rest of your makeup so you look like a luscious lady and not a lady of the night. For your first foray into the decadent world of red, I recommend Angel Red by Clinique. It’s a modest, muted red for people who do not wear red. If I ever feel that my lips are too red, I layer a thin coat of gloss or chapstick over my red lipstick and smash my lips together, which makes me feel as if I’ve diluted what might have been an overpowering amount of red.
Most importantly though, remember that it’s not what you put on your lips, but what you say with them that counts.
Love,
von Hottie
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