Dear von Oracle,
i totally wore your underwear last night and it paid off big ;-) thanks.
my x boyfriend is a complete ass, i totally made a silly high school comment on his facebook and he got pissy and unfacebooked me. which was more then fine... but not even a week later he then asked me if he could come to my party... of course i said yes... but he didn't come (cough cough) he got sick (probably from his icky boyfriend in california) but my question is... VON ORACLE WHY WON'T HE STOP!?!? I've been unfacedbooked, unfriendstered, refriendsterd, denied on myspace... but he still comes back like a boomerang. what's his deal?
Sincerely Dizzy in Down Under-wear
************************************************
Dear Dizzy,
I'm so excited to hear that von Hottise Tottsie is working out so well for you!
Regarding your ex: yuck! This boy sounds so middle school!
People like this just love to get under your skin, and it drives them crazy if they think you are not constantly thinking about them. You're right, just like a boomerang he's always going to run away and then come back into your life - only to slap you in the face!
The only thing you can do is cut him out of your life, cut off all communication (unFriendster HIM, unFacebook HIM, etc.), and ignore all attempts at communication. Take control of the situation by rising above his craziness and refusing to engage in silly games that only drain your energy, suck your soul and waste your time. You've got bigger and better things going on, son, so keep your eye on the prize.
Just a warning: your ex will probably run around in circles just to attract your attention, but you must stay strong. Eventually he'll tire out like the immature adolescent he is and give up. Good riddance and good luck.
Love,
von Hottie
Monday, February 11, 2008
a lover is just a friend in your bed
Dear von Hottie,
I have a friend whom I've recently developed feelings for. We've known each other for about a year, but have only hung out in group situations. I feel like we have great chemistry between us, even though we're from different backgrounds and have different interests. The thing is, I feel like she's dropping hints that she's interested in me, but I keep doubting myself because she acts so cool around me. We're both a bit shy...I can't just assume she reads 'Von Hottie: the Oracle' on the regular and will get the hint to make the first move...what can I do? What are some buying signals I can look for?
Best, M.
**********************************************
Dear M.,
A good lover is someone who can also be a good friend. You could bide your time and just sit around being confused by ambivalent indicators of interest (e.g. does she initiate physical contact, express interest in one-on-one activities, etc.?), but I think we have enough uncertainty in this world.
My advice: Take the plunge. Man up. Pay attention to things she's interested in and plan a date accordingly. IMPORTANT: It must be something she is interested in and preferably something she's mentioned in passing - knowing that you listen to her will have much more value than if you show off by planning something overblown and impersonal.
Then, get her alone and say, "I really like our friendship. I think you are {insert her best qualities - be specific and honest - what do you love about her?}. I think you deserve to be with someone who will treat you well and who appreciates your {insert best qualities}. I would like a chance to be that person. I'd like to take you to {insert thoughtful and fun activity for just the two of you} and see how it goes."
Assure her that if it doesn't work out, your friendship will still be intact. After all, it's just an experiment to see if you click on that level - no pressure. If the date doesn't go well, you can always say, "Remember that hilarious time we tried to date each other?!"
Go get her!
Love,
von Hottie
I have a friend whom I've recently developed feelings for. We've known each other for about a year, but have only hung out in group situations. I feel like we have great chemistry between us, even though we're from different backgrounds and have different interests. The thing is, I feel like she's dropping hints that she's interested in me, but I keep doubting myself because she acts so cool around me. We're both a bit shy...I can't just assume she reads 'Von Hottie: the Oracle' on the regular and will get the hint to make the first move...what can I do? What are some buying signals I can look for?
Best, M.
**********************************************
Dear M.,
A good lover is someone who can also be a good friend. You could bide your time and just sit around being confused by ambivalent indicators of interest (e.g. does she initiate physical contact, express interest in one-on-one activities, etc.?), but I think we have enough uncertainty in this world.
My advice: Take the plunge. Man up. Pay attention to things she's interested in and plan a date accordingly. IMPORTANT: It must be something she is interested in and preferably something she's mentioned in passing - knowing that you listen to her will have much more value than if you show off by planning something overblown and impersonal.
Then, get her alone and say, "I really like our friendship. I think you are {insert her best qualities - be specific and honest - what do you love about her?}. I think you deserve to be with someone who will treat you well and who appreciates your {insert best qualities}. I would like a chance to be that person. I'd like to take you to {insert thoughtful and fun activity for just the two of you} and see how it goes."
Assure her that if it doesn't work out, your friendship will still be intact. After all, it's just an experiment to see if you click on that level - no pressure. If the date doesn't go well, you can always say, "Remember that hilarious time we tried to date each other?!"
Go get her!
Love,
von Hottie
Thursday, February 7, 2008
tongue-struck and star-tied
dear von hottie,
help! I'm in retarded love with famous people. Mostly I see myself as a witty and intelligent young woman who can hold her own in a conversation or at a party. So why do I go stupid when I see a famous person? I stare rudely, giggle too much, and can't think of a single interesting thing to say to them that doesn't involve "OMG YOU'RE FAMOUS!" I live in New York and have the opportunity to see oodles of amous people, and I don't want to keep sticking my foot in it. HELP!
starstruck
********************************************************************
Dear Starstruck,
Famous people are still people, and while in most cases their job is what makes them famous, this doesn't mean they want to be famous all the time. If you see a famous person out in public , remember that they probably consider themselves to be off the clock, and you should respect that. However, everyone loves a compliment, so if you do have the opportunity to approach them, keep it simple and short. Say something along the lines of "Hi, my name is Starstruck. I just wanted to say that I loved you [or loved your work] in ____________. I thought it was ______ and _________. Enjoy your [meal, drink, shopping trip, day, etc.]." If they are a famous for Reality TV or something that's not directly related to a talent or skill, just substitute "I loved your work" for "I was rooting for you/I'm glad you won." If you must ask for an autograph, blame it on your grandmother and try to provide at least a legit piece of paper and not a gum wrapper or crumpled receipt (Would you want to write on trash?).
Then leave them alone and try not to stare. DO NOT approach them if they are with their families and children as that is a real violation of privacy - not for the celebrity, for the family. I know we live in a celebrity-crazy culture, but that doesn't mean we have to add to the insanity.
Best of luck, and keep your eyes peeled!
Love,
von Hottie
help! I'm in retarded love with famous people. Mostly I see myself as a witty and intelligent young woman who can hold her own in a conversation or at a party. So why do I go stupid when I see a famous person? I stare rudely, giggle too much, and can't think of a single interesting thing to say to them that doesn't involve "OMG YOU'RE FAMOUS!" I live in New York and have the opportunity to see oodles of amous people, and I don't want to keep sticking my foot in it. HELP!
starstruck
********************************************************************
Dear Starstruck,
Famous people are still people, and while in most cases their job is what makes them famous, this doesn't mean they want to be famous all the time. If you see a famous person out in public , remember that they probably consider themselves to be off the clock, and you should respect that. However, everyone loves a compliment, so if you do have the opportunity to approach them, keep it simple and short. Say something along the lines of "Hi, my name is Starstruck. I just wanted to say that I loved you [or loved your work] in ____________. I thought it was ______ and _________. Enjoy your [meal, drink, shopping trip, day, etc.]." If they are a famous for Reality TV or something that's not directly related to a talent or skill, just substitute "I loved your work" for "I was rooting for you/I'm glad you won." If you must ask for an autograph, blame it on your grandmother and try to provide at least a legit piece of paper and not a gum wrapper or crumpled receipt (Would you want to write on trash?).
Then leave them alone and try not to stare. DO NOT approach them if they are with their families and children as that is a real violation of privacy - not for the celebrity, for the family. I know we live in a celebrity-crazy culture, but that doesn't mean we have to add to the insanity.
Best of luck, and keep your eyes peeled!
Love,
von Hottie
Run for the hills! It's bridezilla!
dear von hottie,
First of all, you're pretty.
But enough about you. My girlfriend and I got engaged on new years eve. It was super romantic and she is the best. The thing is that I'm a little worried about her turning into a bridezilla. I never would have thought that she had it in her, but ever since I put that ring on her finger she's had a funny glint in her eye that twinkles when she looks at "Martha Stewart Weddings". von Hottie, how does one stave off a bridezilla?
signed,
engaged and worried
***************************************
Dear Engaged,
Congratulations!
Many couples find it very easy to get carried away during the wedding planning process. The important thing is to keep it all in perspective.
You should sit down with your bride-to-be and make a list of the top five things that are important to you both about your wedding. Most likely those things will run along the lines of friends, family, laughter, good food and an infinite supply of champagne (oh wait, that's my wedding!). As you plan your special day, if something doesn't directly enhance your experience of the top five things you want at your wedding, cut it. After all, the only people who will notice whether or not you have custom monogrammed chair covers are you and your bride. Your guests just want to be comfortable and spend time celebrating with you.
That said, if there is some detail that doesn't matter to you, but your bride really wants it and it's within your budget, let her have it. It will make her happy. Things like napkin colors and invitation fonts really aren't worth fighting over anyway.
May you and your bride find all the happiness you deserve.
Love,
von Hottie.
First of all, you're pretty.
But enough about you. My girlfriend and I got engaged on new years eve. It was super romantic and she is the best. The thing is that I'm a little worried about her turning into a bridezilla. I never would have thought that she had it in her, but ever since I put that ring on her finger she's had a funny glint in her eye that twinkles when she looks at "Martha Stewart Weddings". von Hottie, how does one stave off a bridezilla?
signed,
engaged and worried
***************************************
Dear Engaged,
Congratulations!
Many couples find it very easy to get carried away during the wedding planning process. The important thing is to keep it all in perspective.
You should sit down with your bride-to-be and make a list of the top five things that are important to you both about your wedding. Most likely those things will run along the lines of friends, family, laughter, good food and an infinite supply of champagne (oh wait, that's my wedding!). As you plan your special day, if something doesn't directly enhance your experience of the top five things you want at your wedding, cut it. After all, the only people who will notice whether or not you have custom monogrammed chair covers are you and your bride. Your guests just want to be comfortable and spend time celebrating with you.
That said, if there is some detail that doesn't matter to you, but your bride really wants it and it's within your budget, let her have it. It will make her happy. Things like napkin colors and invitation fonts really aren't worth fighting over anyway.
May you and your bride find all the happiness you deserve.
Love,
von Hottie.
Friday, January 18, 2008
wooly bully
Dear von Hottie,
Sometimes my friend says things that almost hurt my feelings. Nothing big or overt, just small negative comments, so I would feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion by saying anything to him about it. I would rather spend time with my friends who say nice things to me, but I can't just quit the friendship because he's my cousin, too. What should I do? Love, Mildly annoyed
*****************************
Dear Mildly annoyed,
Your cousin is being a big bully. The only way to stop a bully in their big stinky tracks is to stand up to them by standing up for yourself. You are a lovely person and he has no right to be mean or condescending.
The good thing about cousins is that they are alot like siblings, which means when they bother you, you can give them hell. The next time he makes a nasty comment, start teasing him (i.e. "Why, jealous?"). If he can't take it, he shouldn't dish it out. If it continues, confront him. Just say:
"Listen up, cousin. It pisses me off when you make negative and belittling comments. If you've got a problem with me, spit out out. Otherwise, knock it off or I'll fart in your face."
Then change the subject. From then on, just drop the subject and continue on as if everything has been resolved.
If your cousin still doesn't let it go after this, remind him that he's pissing you off and take a break from hanging out with him. Or, if you want to be really immature, every time he makes a nasty comment, cut him off by putting a hand in his face and saying,"Shh. Shhh. Shhh." That should train him.
The important thing is to stand up to your cousin now, before you spend the rest of your life, and every family gathering, putting up with his snarkiness.
Love,
von Hottie
Sometimes my friend says things that almost hurt my feelings. Nothing big or overt, just small negative comments, so I would feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion by saying anything to him about it. I would rather spend time with my friends who say nice things to me, but I can't just quit the friendship because he's my cousin, too. What should I do? Love, Mildly annoyed
*****************************
Dear Mildly annoyed,
Your cousin is being a big bully. The only way to stop a bully in their big stinky tracks is to stand up to them by standing up for yourself. You are a lovely person and he has no right to be mean or condescending.
The good thing about cousins is that they are alot like siblings, which means when they bother you, you can give them hell. The next time he makes a nasty comment, start teasing him (i.e. "Why, jealous?"). If he can't take it, he shouldn't dish it out. If it continues, confront him. Just say:
"Listen up, cousin. It pisses me off when you make negative and belittling comments. If you've got a problem with me, spit out out. Otherwise, knock it off or I'll fart in your face."
Then change the subject. From then on, just drop the subject and continue on as if everything has been resolved.
If your cousin still doesn't let it go after this, remind him that he's pissing you off and take a break from hanging out with him. Or, if you want to be really immature, every time he makes a nasty comment, cut him off by putting a hand in his face and saying,"Shh. Shhh. Shhh." That should train him.
The important thing is to stand up to your cousin now, before you spend the rest of your life, and every family gathering, putting up with his snarkiness.
Love,
von Hottie
love dot com
Dear von Oracle,
My dating life is kinda lame but that's normal I guess given that this has gotta be the worst dating city in the world! Should I try these online services or am I only asking for trouble if I start putting myself out there like that. Help me von Oracle, you're my only hope...
Anonymous Dude
**************************************
Dear Anonymous Dude,
Most people who try online dating services experience mixes results. I say, you get what you give! If you want to resurrect the Titanic (a.k.a. your dating life), you're going to need a big (Inter)net!
Why not set a specific time period, and give it a whirl. Put your all into it. If at the end of your online dating experiment, you're not satisfied with the results, then try something else. At the very least, you will meet new people and hone your dating skills. You might even make some new friends, and those friends could introduce you to their friends, and before you know it, there really will be plenty of fish in the sea.
Good luck!
Love,
von Hottie
p.s. Just remember, if you're taking a dip in strange new waters, it's best to suit up! Use a condom!
My dating life is kinda lame but that's normal I guess given that this has gotta be the worst dating city in the world! Should I try these online services or am I only asking for trouble if I start putting myself out there like that. Help me von Oracle, you're my only hope...
Anonymous Dude
**************************************
Dear Anonymous Dude,
Most people who try online dating services experience mixes results. I say, you get what you give! If you want to resurrect the Titanic (a.k.a. your dating life), you're going to need a big (Inter)net!
Why not set a specific time period, and give it a whirl. Put your all into it. If at the end of your online dating experiment, you're not satisfied with the results, then try something else. At the very least, you will meet new people and hone your dating skills. You might even make some new friends, and those friends could introduce you to their friends, and before you know it, there really will be plenty of fish in the sea.
Good luck!
Love,
von Hottie
p.s. Just remember, if you're taking a dip in strange new waters, it's best to suit up! Use a condom!
von angst
Usually, von Oracle answers questions about the simple things in life, but sometimes, one of von Hottie's fans likes to challenge her! Read below as von Hottie goes deep, very deep. (Questions in italics, von Hottie's answers in red.)
Dear von Hottie,
Where to begin:
1. how does one battle against what is inherent, i.e. the belief/thought that we are going to become our parents or some version of them... Can we avoid this, and if so how?
You can't be your parents, because you are who you are and they are who they are. Certain things about you will be shaped by who they are and your experiences with them, but not everything. Merely being conscious of their flaws already puts you far ahead of the game. If you're worried about being like them, you're already not like them. Do you think they are worried about being themselves? No.
2. if you identify as "queer" yet people of the same sex who identify as "straight" continue to make out with you and sleep with you (of their own volition), is there any point in questioning their sexual orientation? Is it worth taking them seriously or connecting on an emotional level? Or is it better to turn off your heart?
You know how the Rubix cube is a big jumble of rainbow blocks, and only once in a while does it all match up? People are the same way. Go ahead and make out with them just for fun if you want to (and if they want to!), but it's not your job to sort out their mess, and you shouldn't invest more in them than I invest in the Rubix cube (about a minute of effort and maybe an ounce of pain).
3. any advice for staying in the moment instead of worrying about the past and the future?
Breathe. One breath followed by another. Plenty of times I have thought back to something and thought, "Man, that time was so good. I wish I had just lingered in it instead of jumping into the next thing." So now if I feel good, or even if I feel bad in an interesting way, I try to just pause for a second, to just be in it, and forget about my to-do list, or my not-to-do list, or what I did the night before, or what I'm doing tonight – just sit back and take in what is happening around you.
Try eating a Tootsie Roll pop - those take a lot of concentration. If you really work at getting to the center, it's easy to tune everything else out.
4. what do you do when you feel a deep connection with someone who has yet to acknowledge it/feel the same way? not necessarily something romantic, but the undeniable feeling that you are meant to be closer to someone who keeps a distance?
They will come around. Let them know you want to hang out, be attentive and open and it will happen. Unless they are a big mess, and then it's not your job to fix them, and you shouldn't feel bad if they brush you off – they've got a lot going on and you should give them the space to do it.
5. how do you dumb yourself down? if your mind is always going, always analyzing and pondering and worrying and thinking, what are some good way to chill the fuck out? we're talkin quick fixes, not drugs/alcohol/exercise/watching tv or things you might be unable to do in the moment...
Again, breathe. Is there a fire? No. Then there's no emergency. And if that doesn't work, do a jig. Your mind can't freak out if your body is busy getting jiggy. Or wear a party hat. That helps too.
Love, von Hottie
Dear von Hottie,
Where to begin:
1. how does one battle against what is inherent, i.e. the belief/thought that we are going to become our parents or some version of them... Can we avoid this, and if so how?
You can't be your parents, because you are who you are and they are who they are. Certain things about you will be shaped by who they are and your experiences with them, but not everything. Merely being conscious of their flaws already puts you far ahead of the game. If you're worried about being like them, you're already not like them. Do you think they are worried about being themselves? No.
2. if you identify as "queer" yet people of the same sex who identify as "straight" continue to make out with you and sleep with you (of their own volition), is there any point in questioning their sexual orientation? Is it worth taking them seriously or connecting on an emotional level? Or is it better to turn off your heart?
You know how the Rubix cube is a big jumble of rainbow blocks, and only once in a while does it all match up? People are the same way. Go ahead and make out with them just for fun if you want to (and if they want to!), but it's not your job to sort out their mess, and you shouldn't invest more in them than I invest in the Rubix cube (about a minute of effort and maybe an ounce of pain).
3. any advice for staying in the moment instead of worrying about the past and the future?
Breathe. One breath followed by another. Plenty of times I have thought back to something and thought, "Man, that time was so good. I wish I had just lingered in it instead of jumping into the next thing." So now if I feel good, or even if I feel bad in an interesting way, I try to just pause for a second, to just be in it, and forget about my to-do list, or my not-to-do list, or what I did the night before, or what I'm doing tonight – just sit back and take in what is happening around you.
Try eating a Tootsie Roll pop - those take a lot of concentration. If you really work at getting to the center, it's easy to tune everything else out.
4. what do you do when you feel a deep connection with someone who has yet to acknowledge it/feel the same way? not necessarily something romantic, but the undeniable feeling that you are meant to be closer to someone who keeps a distance?
They will come around. Let them know you want to hang out, be attentive and open and it will happen. Unless they are a big mess, and then it's not your job to fix them, and you shouldn't feel bad if they brush you off – they've got a lot going on and you should give them the space to do it.
5. how do you dumb yourself down? if your mind is always going, always analyzing and pondering and worrying and thinking, what are some good way to chill the fuck out? we're talkin quick fixes, not drugs/alcohol/exercise/watching tv or things you might be unable to do in the moment...
Again, breathe. Is there a fire? No. Then there's no emergency. And if that doesn't work, do a jig. Your mind can't freak out if your body is busy getting jiggy. Or wear a party hat. That helps too.
Love, von Hottie
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